holding back

This semester has been a rollercoaster. Scratch that, this entire year has been. I came to college not really sure which path I was going to take. I got plugged in with a great ministry but still I was living for the world. I didn't want to live for God. I wanted my life, I wanted my own decisions, I wanted selfishness and sin. I didn't want to feel like I missed out on anything so I put my plans above God's. This semester has been a life changer. I've been humbled but recently I've found myself falling back into it again. I've been giving things up to God but still holding on to a tiny bit of my life. I got to the point where I just couldn't submit completely because I was too comfortable, too safe. I was taking a trust fall but taking a step back at the last possible second because I'm too stubborn to believe that He has a plan that is so much better than anything I could imagine. I don't want that anymore. I can't do that. God, take this all. I'm giving it up. Finally. The way I should have at the very beginning. I thought I had but three months later I'm back in the same place. No more. Separation has to finally start, completely. I'm sorry for holding out. I'm sorry for being so selfish it makes me sick to think about. I know you are faithful so it's time for me to live like I know that. Giving up on destructive things of the world isn't easy but I can promise you it's worth it. 

2 Corinthians 12:8-10 Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it should leave me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Running

How many times will I run away only to fall flat on my face, yet again. How many times do I have to try to do it on my own, only to realize how ridiculous I've been. As much as I hate to admit it, I've been running away. I've been putting up walls and pushing people away. I've pushed God away because why do I deserve him? I've messed up too many times. I don't deserve his love so instead I'll struggle. I'll go through my days not entirely satisfied, looking for something..anything. The void is as big as ever and guess what...nothing in this world can satisfy that. God's grace has completely astounded me in the past days, weeks, months. The moments I've felt completely alone he's totally used. I've been broken. I've been humbled. I've made mistakes I never thought I would. But I'm still running. And instead of running away, I'm running forward. It's still a struggle. No, I don't always want to open my bible and have a quiet time. I still want to hold on to things, relationships. I would be lying if I said I'd given everything up. I'm learning though. The people God has placed in my life, the new friendships I've been blessed with...I'm overwhelmed. I don't deserve any of this. I never have and I never will. I'm always going to make mistakes. That's just it though. I'll never have "arrived" at this complete wisdom, I'll never be completely satisfied ALL the time. And to me, that's reassuring. I'm learning. I'm still learning.

Job 33:26-28 Then man prays to God, and he accepts him; he sees his face with a shout of joy, and he restores to man his righteousness. He sings before men and says: 'I sinned and perverted what was right, and it was not repaid to me. He has redeemed my soul from going down into the pit, and my life shall look upon the light.'