Running

How many times will I run away only to fall flat on my face, yet again. How many times do I have to try to do it on my own, only to realize how ridiculous I've been. As much as I hate to admit it, I've been running away. I've been putting up walls and pushing people away. I've pushed God away because why do I deserve him? I've messed up too many times. I don't deserve his love so instead I'll struggle. I'll go through my days not entirely satisfied, looking for something..anything. The void is as big as ever and guess what...nothing in this world can satisfy that. God's grace has completely astounded me in the past days, weeks, months. The moments I've felt completely alone he's totally used. I've been broken. I've been humbled. I've made mistakes I never thought I would. But I'm still running. And instead of running away, I'm running forward. It's still a struggle. No, I don't always want to open my bible and have a quiet time. I still want to hold on to things, relationships. I would be lying if I said I'd given everything up. I'm learning though. The people God has placed in my life, the new friendships I've been blessed with...I'm overwhelmed. I don't deserve any of this. I never have and I never will. I'm always going to make mistakes. That's just it though. I'll never have "arrived" at this complete wisdom, I'll never be completely satisfied ALL the time. And to me, that's reassuring. I'm learning. I'm still learning.

Job 33:26-28 Then man prays to God, and he accepts him; he sees his face with a shout of joy, and he restores to man his righteousness. He sings before men and says: 'I sinned and perverted what was right, and it was not repaid to me. He has redeemed my soul from going down into the pit, and my life shall look upon the light.'